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this is Li Peng. she believes she is the next Disney princess and does not appreciate being disillusioned. :)
elipeng[at]gmail[dot]com.
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Tuesday, December 15, 2009
.:Cotton Floss:.
I LOVE.
this heart of mine - I LOVE. :)
this heart of mine - I LOVE. :)
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
.:Ola Oli Kuberi Nama:.
arghh i've been filled with an overwhelming desire to GO HOME wtf hahaha. :p yeah yeah i know i've only been here like two months and i'm already going home next week so i shouldn't complain but... its one of those so near yet so far things, you know? haha.
it's not that life here is so terrible. its just... i dont know la, i dont think i would feel it so much if lets say i was only going back next summer and i know i've got a whole year before i go back again. but its more excruciating when you know you're going back in just SEVEN DAYS and you just wish those seven days would HURRY UP AND PASS BY SO YOU CAN HOP ON THAT FLIGHT AND GO HOME. :p
*SQUIRMS*
if i go to sleep fast enough, maybe i can have that dream again where i'm walking along Jalan Dang Wangi, drenched in sunshine, and eating roti babi.
it's not that life here is so terrible. its just... i dont know la, i dont think i would feel it so much if lets say i was only going back next summer and i know i've got a whole year before i go back again. but its more excruciating when you know you're going back in just SEVEN DAYS and you just wish those seven days would HURRY UP AND PASS BY SO YOU CAN HOP ON THAT FLIGHT AND GO HOME. :p
*SQUIRMS*
if i go to sleep fast enough, maybe i can have that dream again where i'm walking along Jalan Dang Wangi, drenched in sunshine, and eating roti babi.
Monday, December 07, 2009
.:Parallel Parking:.
harlow kawan-kawan, i just got back from my weekend away and am facing a mountainload of work plus a possible gain in dress size but whatevs. i'm going HOME in exactly 9 days and am too excited to be dampened by anything else. :D
on the train just now i saw something really small but really sweet. i was at the Birmingham train station and had just settled in on the train back to York. this girl was already in the car and was settling in for the journey ahead too. you know, the whole ipod-and-Glamour-magazine routine, and i was about to do the same when this guy ran in and up to the girl. and her whole face just LIT UP as she exclaimed, "oh my god! what are you doing here?!". and the guy replied, "i couldnt get your phone and i wanted to say goodbye and to tell you to call me when you're back". and she was doing the whole "omg you're crazy, get off the train, its about to leave, you could have just texted me" thing but she was grinning like hell and any blind fool could see she hadn't wanted him to just text her.
and who could blame her laaaa. it was one of the sweetest things i'd ever seen, it was like something out of a Kate Hudson movie. and i watched Ugly Betty on my laptop all the way back to York and was even more doped up on luuurve wtf.
it all made me wish more than just a tiny bit for something more potent than fictional Matt Hartley and his awesome TV kisses.
i mean, please dont get me wrong. i dont need a boyfriend, and even if i had one, god knows what i would do with him. i'm like the most commitment-phobic and least affectionate person in the world. but that doesn't mean i dont want one.
over the summer and that last big fling, i decided that i was done with non-commitment and maybe i could be brave and be open to the possibility of a *gasp* real relationship wtf haha. i dont know, that has always scared me. the idea of a relationship, i mean. i see all these things my friends do like making it a point to talk to their other half everyday, or not being able to fool around for fear of cheating or... whatever la. it just seems like a scary lot of work, you know?
i think, though, that that might be all just my biggest fear of getting hurt at the end of the day.
cos ultimately i really do want to be in one and HAVE to do all that work. i mean, everyone else seems to not mind doing it, so i suppose the rewards must be better than just £4 an hour and transportation costs. i just dont know how to go about doing it, as stupid as that might sound. :p
i mean, i've heard the "why are you still single?" question a million and one times already. i can practically smell that question a mile away. and NO, unlike other normal girls, in my case, that question is never a preface to an invitation to dinner and a movie. it's always a genuine question by well-meaning friends who, while confused as to why no one else would like to be my boyfriend, at the same time, do not want to be my boyfriend themselves.
i can't win, really.
and then the question is always followed by a discussion on the possible reasons for my predicament and ultimately it always ends with a sympathetic "maybe you're too picky", which is a euphemistic code for "maybe you're just that pathetic".
because that's the only plausible reason i can think of lor! T__T i'm not engaging in self-pity here but BY LOGIC OF DEDUCTION LA, if its the rest of the world vs me, i think i have to admit defeat wtf.
perhaps i'm too scared la because i dont think i've said yes to a single guy who's asked me recently. but i dont THINK i'm being too picky or anything. my defense is always, it's my happiness. dont i have the right to choose exactly who i want to share half of my heart with?!
its different with a regular fling. it's a cold business: the two people go in, knowing exactly what to give and take. he texts at least three times a week. i know when to hold out and when to give in. he buys me my favourite Long Island and we both pretend it is because he genuinely enjoys our conversation at the bar. we're both free to be either nice or complete assholes to each other. you have to go in with a steely heart because the one unbreakable rule in a fling is that no feelings are allowed ever.
and maybe thats why i want so much more. i dont want just any guy off the street whose first instinct is to get into my pants.
i want someone who romanticizes everything and challenges me everyday and wants me to love him as much as i do. i want him to kiss me good morning instead of goodnight. i dont want every kiss to turn into a makeout session. i want an experience that is funny, touching and true. and when its over, i want my heart to break.
oh and when we're together? i want to be able to hear this song in the background:
on the train just now i saw something really small but really sweet. i was at the Birmingham train station and had just settled in on the train back to York. this girl was already in the car and was settling in for the journey ahead too. you know, the whole ipod-and-Glamour-magazine routine, and i was about to do the same when this guy ran in and up to the girl. and her whole face just LIT UP as she exclaimed, "oh my god! what are you doing here?!". and the guy replied, "i couldnt get your phone and i wanted to say goodbye and to tell you to call me when you're back". and she was doing the whole "omg you're crazy, get off the train, its about to leave, you could have just texted me" thing but she was grinning like hell and any blind fool could see she hadn't wanted him to just text her.
and who could blame her laaaa. it was one of the sweetest things i'd ever seen, it was like something out of a Kate Hudson movie. and i watched Ugly Betty on my laptop all the way back to York and was even more doped up on luuurve wtf.
it all made me wish more than just a tiny bit for something more potent than fictional Matt Hartley and his awesome TV kisses.
i mean, please dont get me wrong. i dont need a boyfriend, and even if i had one, god knows what i would do with him. i'm like the most commitment-phobic and least affectionate person in the world. but that doesn't mean i dont want one.
over the summer and that last big fling, i decided that i was done with non-commitment and maybe i could be brave and be open to the possibility of a *gasp* real relationship wtf haha. i dont know, that has always scared me. the idea of a relationship, i mean. i see all these things my friends do like making it a point to talk to their other half everyday, or not being able to fool around for fear of cheating or... whatever la. it just seems like a scary lot of work, you know?
i think, though, that that might be all just my biggest fear of getting hurt at the end of the day.
cos ultimately i really do want to be in one and HAVE to do all that work. i mean, everyone else seems to not mind doing it, so i suppose the rewards must be better than just £4 an hour and transportation costs. i just dont know how to go about doing it, as stupid as that might sound. :p
i mean, i've heard the "why are you still single?" question a million and one times already. i can practically smell that question a mile away. and NO, unlike other normal girls, in my case, that question is never a preface to an invitation to dinner and a movie. it's always a genuine question by well-meaning friends who, while confused as to why no one else would like to be my boyfriend, at the same time, do not want to be my boyfriend themselves.
i can't win, really.
and then the question is always followed by a discussion on the possible reasons for my predicament and ultimately it always ends with a sympathetic "maybe you're too picky", which is a euphemistic code for "maybe you're just that pathetic".
because that's the only plausible reason i can think of lor! T__T i'm not engaging in self-pity here but BY LOGIC OF DEDUCTION LA, if its the rest of the world vs me, i think i have to admit defeat wtf.
perhaps i'm too scared la because i dont think i've said yes to a single guy who's asked me recently. but i dont THINK i'm being too picky or anything. my defense is always, it's my happiness. dont i have the right to choose exactly who i want to share half of my heart with?!
its different with a regular fling. it's a cold business: the two people go in, knowing exactly what to give and take. he texts at least three times a week. i know when to hold out and when to give in. he buys me my favourite Long Island and we both pretend it is because he genuinely enjoys our conversation at the bar. we're both free to be either nice or complete assholes to each other. you have to go in with a steely heart because the one unbreakable rule in a fling is that no feelings are allowed ever.
and maybe thats why i want so much more. i dont want just any guy off the street whose first instinct is to get into my pants.
i want someone who romanticizes everything and challenges me everyday and wants me to love him as much as i do. i want him to kiss me good morning instead of goodnight. i dont want every kiss to turn into a makeout session. i want an experience that is funny, touching and true. and when its over, i want my heart to break.
oh and when we're together? i want to be able to hear this song in the background:
Thursday, December 03, 2009
.:Lady:.
bitch, please. dont pick a fight with me. you might think you'll win, but you'll be wrong. :) oh, and in answer to your question: YOUR MOM.
lovelove!
lovelove!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
.:Food Coma:.
i have absolutely zilch self-control. i like something, i indulge. i am the ultimate hedonist - as proven by the number of times the word "i" has already appeared in these few lines. :p
btw check out my latest culinary accomplishment!
smarties cookies, yo! *big wet eyes*
omg PLEASE allow me to indulge myself here - this is a very big achievement for me. from teaching people how to cook maggi in the microwave (*click!*) to now this! *big wet eyes* i'd like to take this opportunity to take my muvver, my favver, my sistahs, and BBC Good Food wtf. oh yeah and my flatmate who, little did she know, lent me her baking tray wtf (shh).
okay la to be fair, i actually like my cookies a little chewier. i think i put in too much sugar and kept them in the oven too long so they turned out to be the crispy, crunchy kind. but oh wells! people liked them and nobody got sick so i'm happy. :D
oh my Nestle, they were even edible enough to be left in a bowl for my flatmates. ^______^
and right now i'm craving food from The Charles, the pub down the road from my college. a brie and bacon burger with chunky chips and salad and a side order of onion rings. MMMM. and actually you know what one of my favourite meals is? a huuuuge salad with dressing on the side and an extra order of... chips! HAHAHAHA. i ALWAYS get weird looks when i order that but whatever okay! it tastes GOOD! *salivates* why am i thinking of FOOD all the time wtf. do you think i'm pregnant? i must be pregnant. i mean, not like i've been lucky enough to get laid la but if Mary could do it, so can i! perseverance!!!! wtf.
STUDY LA, CHEOK LI PENG OMG. ESSAY PLAN DUE IN A WEEK, ITALIAN TRANSLATION ON MONDAY, AND LIKE 1001 BOARD OF STUDIES MEETINGS BESIDES. GEEZ. +___________+
ps re: melsie, i do think it gets harder to be happier the more we wander in the world, but that also makes the happy moments all the more happier when they do come. ^^ and its so easy to be happy with the people we love, the people who love us and especially the people who want to love us. ;) whiskey-and-coke and debauchery in December, please!
btw check out my latest culinary accomplishment!
smarties cookies, yo! *big wet eyes*omg PLEASE allow me to indulge myself here - this is a very big achievement for me. from teaching people how to cook maggi in the microwave (*click!*) to now this! *big wet eyes* i'd like to take this opportunity to take my muvver, my favver, my sistahs, and BBC Good Food wtf. oh yeah and my flatmate who, little did she know, lent me her baking tray wtf (shh).
okay la to be fair, i actually like my cookies a little chewier. i think i put in too much sugar and kept them in the oven too long so they turned out to be the crispy, crunchy kind. but oh wells! people liked them and nobody got sick so i'm happy. :D
oh my Nestle, they were even edible enough to be left in a bowl for my flatmates. ^______^
and right now i'm craving food from The Charles, the pub down the road from my college. a brie and bacon burger with chunky chips and salad and a side order of onion rings. MMMM. and actually you know what one of my favourite meals is? a huuuuge salad with dressing on the side and an extra order of... chips! HAHAHAHA. i ALWAYS get weird looks when i order that but whatever okay! it tastes GOOD! *salivates* why am i thinking of FOOD all the time wtf. do you think i'm pregnant? i must be pregnant. i mean, not like i've been lucky enough to get laid la but if Mary could do it, so can i! perseverance!!!! wtf.
STUDY LA, CHEOK LI PENG OMG. ESSAY PLAN DUE IN A WEEK, ITALIAN TRANSLATION ON MONDAY, AND LIKE 1001 BOARD OF STUDIES MEETINGS BESIDES. GEEZ. +___________+
ps re: melsie, i do think it gets harder to be happier the more we wander in the world, but that also makes the happy moments all the more happier when they do come. ^^ and its so easy to be happy with the people we love, the people who love us and especially the people who want to love us. ;) whiskey-and-coke and debauchery in December, please!
Monday, November 23, 2009
.:The Bootmaker:.
methinks i should get myself a twitter account. after all there are just so many IMPORTANT things in my life i want to share with the world all the time. like how right now i'm craaaving a huge fluffy cinnamon roll and a good strong cup of COFFEE. :D oh god i'm such a caffeine junkie now it's incredible. i've reached new heights. i literally CANNOT function without a dose of coffee in me. +_+ oh and i have renounced Costa's vanilla latte. it tastes like sugar water and i snub my nose at it wtf.
i wanna go home. T_T my mom makes the BEST cinnamon rolls EVER. :D
sigh school just started today after my Reading Week and already i feel like going on holiday wtf. or least a cinnamon roll la wtf. :p
last Saturday the Malaysian Society here had its last big event - Satay Night! :) it's an annual thing where we cook up a storm and serve up makan-makan true-blue Malaysian style, yo! or at least we try hahaha. :p i'm so proud of us. the committee (and a few extra very helpful pairs of hands) spent the entire afternoon cooooooooooooooking. omg i dont believe i've ever turned up for a Malaysian Soc event not smelling of cooking. :p
Jenny and Thava making the satay. and that's not even a tenth of what we made haha. altogether we grilled about 800 sticks of satay - that's 10 kilos worth of chicken, yo. :O Jit and Jenny stayed up until 9am the night before cutting and marinating the chicken and making sambal for the nasi lemak. yes, we had nasi lemak! and our sambal was definitely good and spicyyyyyy. :D
more satay (!) and Kevin, who so nicely offered to come help cook, although he wasn't part of the committee. :) as you can see from the photo, he was clearly having fun wtf. :p
Naz (and part of Jenny wtf) making the onde-onde. hahaha kesian Naz la, he was like practically forced into helping cook as we used his house as a cooking station. and messed up the kitchen something terrible too oops. :p there was one point where all of us were super stressed out cos there were like two hours or something to Satay Night and NOTHING had been completed - the rice wasnt cooked, the onde-onde still raw, the drinks ingredients still in their bottles and the chicken hadnt even been finished skewering yet. the guys were given the job of skewering the chicken and Kevin gaped, "omg why am i doing this, i'm not even part of the committee" and Naz was like, "dude, i'm not even Malaysian!" HAHAHAHA! awww, poor guys.
but it all got done in the end yay! and FOR ONCE, we had enough food to feed everyone (usually, food runs out abnormally quickly at our events) AND majority of the people loved the event too. :D seriously it was so awesome to see the 100-odd guests wallop our HARD-MADE food haha. the food ran out so fast, the committee had to keep some back on purpose in the kitchen just for ourselves so we could eat some too.
too few photos because (a) was too busy cooking in the afternoon and (b) having too much fun behind the scenes at Satay Night itself either serving food or hanging out with the other terrificooo cooks. :D
the kitchen at the back of Holmefield (this community centre which we rented for the event) where the committee's food was held back. can you see our SATAY! :D we had soooo much other stuff too yummers! think soya bean, cincau, roti jala (ohmigawd SO fucking awesome), nasi lemak, onde-onde, bubur kacang hijau, teh tarik... :D
cos we are fawesome satay cooks, yo! macam Pak Haji kat Kajang wtf. :D poor Kamal must have regretted sleeping over the night before. he literally woke up in the afternoon and was immediately posted on satay duty even though he wasn't meant to.
Hock with his food and the tshirt You Xin and i got him for his birthdayyy. woots!
Mama xrt500!
Nadia who swung by and helped out with our sambal for a bit. :) basically it was made way too spicy so she helped to tone down the level, like WAAAAY down haha. even then, all i could hear as i passed by people on my way out serving was panting at the spiciness HAHA! aiya whatever la, anak bangsa Malaysia okay wtf. :D
i love jasyau! :)))))
Malaysian Soc Committee 2008/2009. :)
okay dah. super late dah. CINNAMON ROLL PLEASEEEEE? *________*
i wanna go home. T_T my mom makes the BEST cinnamon rolls EVER. :D
sigh school just started today after my Reading Week and already i feel like going on holiday wtf. or least a cinnamon roll la wtf. :p
last Saturday the Malaysian Society here had its last big event - Satay Night! :) it's an annual thing where we cook up a storm and serve up makan-makan true-blue Malaysian style, yo! or at least we try hahaha. :p i'm so proud of us. the committee (and a few extra very helpful pairs of hands) spent the entire afternoon cooooooooooooooking. omg i dont believe i've ever turned up for a Malaysian Soc event not smelling of cooking. :p
Jenny and Thava making the satay. and that's not even a tenth of what we made haha. altogether we grilled about 800 sticks of satay - that's 10 kilos worth of chicken, yo. :O Jit and Jenny stayed up until 9am the night before cutting and marinating the chicken and making sambal for the nasi lemak. yes, we had nasi lemak! and our sambal was definitely good and spicyyyyyy. :D
more satay (!) and Kevin, who so nicely offered to come help cook, although he wasn't part of the committee. :) as you can see from the photo, he was clearly having fun wtf. :p
Naz (and part of Jenny wtf) making the onde-onde. hahaha kesian Naz la, he was like practically forced into helping cook as we used his house as a cooking station. and messed up the kitchen something terrible too oops. :p there was one point where all of us were super stressed out cos there were like two hours or something to Satay Night and NOTHING had been completed - the rice wasnt cooked, the onde-onde still raw, the drinks ingredients still in their bottles and the chicken hadnt even been finished skewering yet. the guys were given the job of skewering the chicken and Kevin gaped, "omg why am i doing this, i'm not even part of the committee" and Naz was like, "dude, i'm not even Malaysian!" HAHAHAHA! awww, poor guys.but it all got done in the end yay! and FOR ONCE, we had enough food to feed everyone (usually, food runs out abnormally quickly at our events) AND majority of the people loved the event too. :D seriously it was so awesome to see the 100-odd guests wallop our HARD-MADE food haha. the food ran out so fast, the committee had to keep some back on purpose in the kitchen just for ourselves so we could eat some too.
too few photos because (a) was too busy cooking in the afternoon and (b) having too much fun behind the scenes at Satay Night itself either serving food or hanging out with the other terrificooo cooks. :D
the kitchen at the back of Holmefield (this community centre which we rented for the event) where the committee's food was held back. can you see our SATAY! :D we had soooo much other stuff too yummers! think soya bean, cincau, roti jala (ohmigawd SO fucking awesome), nasi lemak, onde-onde, bubur kacang hijau, teh tarik... :D
cos we are fawesome satay cooks, yo! macam Pak Haji kat Kajang wtf. :D poor Kamal must have regretted sleeping over the night before. he literally woke up in the afternoon and was immediately posted on satay duty even though he wasn't meant to.
Hock with his food and the tshirt You Xin and i got him for his birthdayyy. woots!
Mama xrt500!
Nadia who swung by and helped out with our sambal for a bit. :) basically it was made way too spicy so she helped to tone down the level, like WAAAAY down haha. even then, all i could hear as i passed by people on my way out serving was panting at the spiciness HAHA! aiya whatever la, anak bangsa Malaysia okay wtf. :D
i love jasyau! :)))))
Malaysian Soc Committee 2008/2009. :)okay dah. super late dah. CINNAMON ROLL PLEASEEEEE? *________*
Saturday, November 21, 2009
.:Riverdance:.
i wish i could write like i used to. i was looking back at my old blog posts and marvelling at all those little sparks of inspiration that used to hit me then. what happened i dont know. all i know is that nothing hits me nowadays. i pulled this plastic sheet over my head to keep the world from hurting me and sometimes i wonder if that was the right decision.
its officially Saturday and there are so many things i want to do but have not done yet. so many things i wish to breathe but have not felt.
i just came back from the cinema where i was watching the trailers before the actual movie and was overtaken by a sudden longing for my life to be a movie, complete with background music and the sounds of footsteps tapping on a stone path.
have you ever gotten to the point where you just cannot move? you're stuck with your feet in the muddy mire and you are simply... stuck. and i try SO hard to move, believe me, i do. but i dont know if i'm afraid or lazy or plain fated because i cannot trudge out to the bank. all i do is stay knee-deep in brown murk and watch the autumn leaves blow past me through my hair.
everyone tells me to wait, it's not your time yet. enjoy what you have now. but all i want to do is MOVE. i go through the motions everyday hoping some spark of inspiration will strike me again but it never does. this static of uncertainty and hinges is not for me. i was never the ballerina en pointe.
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."
The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.
To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.
What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.
That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.
As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.
The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.
I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.
Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.
Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.
Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.
oh Pablo Neruda, how did you feel? how did you allow that intensity to engulf you?
i cant even write the saddest poem of all tonight because i'm not sad. but i'm not happy. but i am happy, and i am sad. i dont know what i am. i dont want to eat. i dont want to be hungry. i want to be thin but i eat cheese and sour cream with my rice. i know i should return my boots but i dont want to get on the bus to do it. i sit here typing this in my underwear with my makeup still on and the bathroom door half-open.
i want to get on a plane and fly out of here. i want to down tequila shots until i forget myself. its on nights like these i want to climb into my dinky little Proton and drive down the KL roads in the midst of the bright street lights and Jalan P. Ramlee partygoers with the latest overplayed pop single blasting from Hitz.fm. if i close my eyes tight enough, i can even feel the streaks of green and orange neon whiz past my cheeks.
sweep me off my feet. i was born to be a tap dancer.
its officially Saturday and there are so many things i want to do but have not done yet. so many things i wish to breathe but have not felt.
i just came back from the cinema where i was watching the trailers before the actual movie and was overtaken by a sudden longing for my life to be a movie, complete with background music and the sounds of footsteps tapping on a stone path.
have you ever gotten to the point where you just cannot move? you're stuck with your feet in the muddy mire and you are simply... stuck. and i try SO hard to move, believe me, i do. but i dont know if i'm afraid or lazy or plain fated because i cannot trudge out to the bank. all i do is stay knee-deep in brown murk and watch the autumn leaves blow past me through my hair.
everyone tells me to wait, it's not your time yet. enjoy what you have now. but all i want to do is MOVE. i go through the motions everyday hoping some spark of inspiration will strike me again but it never does. this static of uncertainty and hinges is not for me. i was never the ballerina en pointe.
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."
The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.
To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.
What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.
That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.
As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.
The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.
I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.
Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.
Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.
Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.
oh Pablo Neruda, how did you feel? how did you allow that intensity to engulf you?
i cant even write the saddest poem of all tonight because i'm not sad. but i'm not happy. but i am happy, and i am sad. i dont know what i am. i dont want to eat. i dont want to be hungry. i want to be thin but i eat cheese and sour cream with my rice. i know i should return my boots but i dont want to get on the bus to do it. i sit here typing this in my underwear with my makeup still on and the bathroom door half-open.
i want to get on a plane and fly out of here. i want to down tequila shots until i forget myself. its on nights like these i want to climb into my dinky little Proton and drive down the KL roads in the midst of the bright street lights and Jalan P. Ramlee partygoers with the latest overplayed pop single blasting from Hitz.fm. if i close my eyes tight enough, i can even feel the streaks of green and orange neon whiz past my cheeks.
sweep me off my feet. i was born to be a tap dancer.